Apocalypse Soon

Q: With a global meltdown imminent, I would like to know how you're preparing for it Harv. I plan on basing my own survival on your sage advice - so please. Share with us less fortunate than yourself the wisdom necessary to overcome this bleakest of futures and survive into the new age.

A: Sure, dear reader; I am writing this from my lead-coated, underground bomb shelter as we speak.

There are a few precautions that everyone should be considering, in order to prepare for the global apocalypse:

1) Trade in your cash. When the meltdown occurs, your cash money will be worth EXACTLY the paper it's printed on. People will tell you to store gold, but gold also has little practical value in a post-apocalyptic, low technology society, where most of the leprechauns have been disassembled at a sub-atomic level. Personally, I have opted for peanuts. Not only are they a good source of nutrition and will provide great collateral in a bartering society, they are damned delicious and go well with beer. It's lonely down here in the shelter.

2) Impregnate someone. It sounds silly, but if your face is melted off by excessive UV exposure, or your body is disintegrated to a pile of steaming custard by a nuclear blast-wave, your offspring is a way to survive beyond physically surviving. Obviously, this does not apply to women. I'd advise women to become more slutty and less choosy -- and then tell me what bars they are planning to hang out in.

3) Invent time travel or teleportation. It may sound like science fiction, but this is an area of research that the human race is really slacking off in. Sure, I've been dabbling myself, and have actually been able to transport my hand across the room 20 metres, only to get it stuck in a cement wall and spend hours with a hammer and chisel trying to free it so I could sew it back on. But, even though I can definitely do it alone, it would be slightly faster if we also had the world's greatest minds to support my efforts.

Eventually, I'm planning to make a clone of myself, implant my memories in it, cryogenically freeze it, and teleport it into the far reaches of space. That way, if we destroy the planet, at least our greatest natural resource -- me -- will be preserved. The aliens should know how to thaw me out and revive my massive intellect.

Please, though, whatever you do, don't shoot talentless hacks like Lindsay Lohan or David Hasselhoff out there after me, no matter how much money they throw at the problem.

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World-Wide-Weariness!

Q: I've TRIED going online plenty of times; signed up for Facebook, Friendster, IMDB, CNN and even Twitter. But no matter how hard I try to entertain myself, I'm completely underwhelmed by it all!

I watch my friends and co-workers jumping online, clicking away, cackling uproariously and high-fiving each other as they surf -- but I just don't get it!

What's so good about the internet?

A: Well, dear reader, you have found one good thing about the internet, haven't you?

AskHarv is a miraculous resource for informative, and life-changing information, and it wouldn't be possible without this interconnected mess of wires we call the internet.

I used to laugh with my friends that if only I could somehow impart my knowledge onto a small handful of the general populace of the planet, it would probably solve all human issues in under a day.

Sure, I've only been able to impart a small fraction to the power of some astronomical number -- a number no calculator or computer would recognize as larger than zero -- of my knowledge via this medium, but even that has had positive intangible benefits to the world, and the universe. Perhaps even dimensions of space and time we have yet to recognize consciously, too.

Other than that. Meh. I could take it or leave it, too.

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Mmm... M&Ms...

Q: Ever wonder when you eat these little chocolate pieces...who actually print's the M&M on these little dudes???

A: You may believe it's Santa's elves, highly intelligent ticks with tiny fountain-pens, or even aliens from the planet "Alpha Candori" that perform this intricate task! But, dear reader, unfortunately the truth is much less interesting: fairly simple machines, designed by man.

However, your question has relevance in the field of ultrafast laser micro-machining, as the text on M&Ms were a precursor to this interesting field of miniaturization research.

Recently, researchers from the manufacturing firm Micreon GmbH managed to create a pair of glasses fitted to the head of a fly. And the amazing thing is that, not only did they fit, they were stylish!

I have heard, through my contacts at Nasa, Harvard and the Alexander von Humboldt Foundation, that Micreon's next project will be lubricated, vibrating condoms for African Dung Beetles. Admittedly, male Dung Beetles do get a whole lot less sex than you might think, but, when they do manage to get laid, they have an notoriously immutable talent for two things:

• producing offspring with almost every pop
• providing very little pleasure for the poor female shit-bug

That latter is, in large part, due to their horrific stench (yes its abhorrent even to females of the species), but it's still a praise-worthy research-goal nevertheless.

Slightly less praise-worthy is their other high-priority project of the moment: M&Ms that are 1/1000th the size of regular candies. I have seen a proof-of-concept, and to me it looks just like a multi-coloured bag of sticky sand -- and to be quite honest, it melts in your hand a lot easier than the regular size.

In my assessment: EPIC FAIL!

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Three times the charm!

Q: Are we close to a World War Three?

A: Yes, dear reader, we most certainly are. Every week I'm surprised that no one got nuked that particular week, and predict that it must happen the following one.

However, being anti-war is a little knee-jerk, I feel, as war provides many benefits to human kind, such as:

• Population control: war tends to wipe out a lot of people, and since a large percentage of our current population is essentially useless, chances are we'll cull quite a lot of those.
• The end of worry: sure, you may be one of the unlucky majority who gets their faces melted off, but, let's face it: we're due for one, so lets just get it out of the way so we can stop worrying about it.
• Mutation: the nuclear fall out from war would be devastating, sure, but if we ever want to see a real life version of the TV show Heroes or the comic book X-Men, we better get some significant sources of radiation going soon. Evolution relies on mutation, and we haven't had anywhere near enough of it lately.

I would suggest worrying less about war and more about things like, say, reality television. We can't stop war, but we CAN try get the ratings of shows like Survivor, Big Brother and Idol down as low as possible. That way, after the big war is over, the fledgling post-apocalyptic society that emerges won't remain under the misapprehension that such shows are cool and keep making them.

If we're not careful, they may even think its a good idea to clone Lindsay Lohan, or, heaven forbid, Gwyneth Paltrow, from the ashes of their blow-fly-ridden, charred, rotting corpses.

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Religious Work-Experience

Q: Hey Harv, now that religion is dead, what do you think would be a good job for Jesus?

A: Well, I guess the son of God would have many useful applications once retired from the position of savior of humanity. Here are a few ideas:

1. Doctor. Admittedly, this is a little off-the-shelf, but you can't deny that Jesus' ability to heal any disease or ailment would come in very handy in the medical profession. However, job satisfaction would be an issue, as healing isn't particularly challenging for Jesus, and of course getting an appointment would be a nightmare. He would drive pretty much all other doctors out of business, too, which may lead to another unfortunate and bloody crucifixion.
2. Fashion designer. Jesus' attire wasn't especially fashionable in the 0's, 10's and 20's, but his flowing robes and sandals MUST be due to make a come-back by now! I can imagine Paris Hilton being very interested in getting the secret to Jesus' patented "glowing head" look, too.
3. Writer. He has already provided the storyline for one bestseller. If anyone can challenge John Grisham, Stephen King and Dan Brown, it would be the Christ himself. He has access to one of the more intriguing characters in literary history ( I would imagine he'd have a tendency for asides, rambling descriptions and possibly a little narcissism, but it would be nothing a good editor couldn't fix. Perhaps blogging would be more his style.
4. Pool Attendant/lifeguard. Walking on water, anyone?

Whatever he would choose, I'd make a point to be a loyal customer.

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Dream a Little Reality

Q: I sometimes ask myself, "Is life a dream?" Is life really a dream?

A: An interesting question, one that has been put forward by philosophers, writers and poets for many centuries.

Some posit that, when a person is in a dream, the dream becomes the real world and the real world becomes a dream. And that, if one were to dream about having a dream, then THAT dream world would become a dream and the first-level dream world would become reality. The "real" reality at this point would be a fading, distant memory at best, and would seem less real to the dreamer than the second-level reality his mind had created from the less tangibly real "real" world.

I often ponder these interesting and layered theories, but mostly find my nose spouting violent jets of snot-flecked blood when I do so.

So is life a dream?

The answer, sadly, is no. You've just watched "Inception" too many times.

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Canine Clamping

Q: A Rottweiler just clamped its teeth on my balls and won't let go. Should I be concerned?

A: No, dear reader, there is nothing to worry about.

Although our friend the Rottweiler does possess the strongest bite-strength of all canine breeds, he still gets tired eventually like any other animal.

You just need to withstand the pain longer than the dog does, and it's a known fact that the Rottie has a notoriously low endurance threshold for pain!

If you're worried about more damage being done to your testicles while you play this dubious waiting game, take solace in the fact that, odds are, the majority of the damage was done during the initial biting motion and won't be particularly worsened by the lack of blood-flow or additional crushing force applied by the dog's jaws. No leverage, you see.

Just watch out for any kind of sawing motion.

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More Interesting Than Watching Paint Dry!

Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A: Yes! And what does one do with a painting of four billion stars?

Great question, dear reader! This syndrome is a well-known aspect of human thought processes (or lack thereof) called the "Ignorami Factor", first described by the brilliant philanthropic egomaniac Ignatious Ignorami.

Basically, what the principle infers is that humans are more susceptible to accepting unverifiable facts when they are larger and more elaborate.

In even simpler terms: the bigger the lie, the more likely people are to believe it.

This can be seen in many aspects of modern life, and many "facts" presented to us by popular culture and the media. Some examples:

• Money makes the world go round. But, yeah, isn't it also the root of all evil. So what then? Is the world evil?
  (note: I actually think this particular contradiction was due to a simple typo. I'll let you decide if it should have been "monkey makes the world go round" or "monkey is the root of all evil.")
• Michael Jackson is dead. Yah, er... ok, suuure he is. But first he made a DVD and a couple of new songs! In no way has that been convenient for him and his estate!
• The tragedy of 9-11 was perpetuated by terrorists. Oh really!? If you could see how much evidence I had to indicate it was an act of war by an alien species, your heart would probably stop.
• Veronica is not a whore. I assure you all, dear readers, she most certainly is.

I could go on. To be honest, following a childhood incident with a hot iron, some black duck feathers and an oversized novelty hammer, I have been fighting this syndrome myself for many years, but my nature is to verify every fact for myself.

So, yes, I have counted the stars and it's nowhere near four billion!

I also verified Michael Jackson's "death", and... well... I can't reveal too much of that because it might involve illegally exhuming his corpse, which I definitely DIDN'T do.

And I have those happy snaps to prove the Veronica thing. Who wants to see them?

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Ozone Slayer

Q: I heard somewhere that global warming is a scam and we're not at risk. Care to weigh in, Harv?

A: I'm afraid you're misinformed, dear reader. Global warming -- or, termed more correctly, climate change -- is very real and may even prove to be more of an immediate peril than we originally thought.

The solution, however is fuel for much debate. It is unfortunately the case that scientists do not fully understand the causes of climate change, and cannot agree on a solution.

I, of course do know the solution but have been having trouble drumming up support for it, as it does go against the grain of the majority of thinking on the subject. NATO have tried to silence me on the issue, but NATO can go drink pig's vomit and vomit it on their own balls, because I'm 100% certain of myself on this.

After many decades of research, I am convinced the answer lies in INCREASING our carbon emissions, POLLUTING our environment in every way possible, and completely ERADICATING that pesky ozone layer ASAP. EXTINCT all cute furry animals, too, while you're at it.

The scientific principles behind my theory are incredibly complex and impossible to explain to a layman audience.

But here's the gist of it: think of the Earth like a person who has lost his memory due to a bump on the head... We all know from movies that the only way to restore their memory is to hit them again. And harder.

So, Earth, brace yourself for a frypan to the cranium, coz this is gonna hurt!

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Ring-a-Ring-a-Smokey!

Q: I'm very unpopular in my school, and get my face pounded into a wet, fleshy pulp every lunchtime. I'm already blind in one eye and can no longer lick ice-creams.

I figure the best solution is to take up smoking and learn how to blow smoke rings like the cool kids do. I just can't work out how to do it!

Help me Harv!


A: Being way too intelligent to ever take up smoking, I did not have the answer to your question at hand.

However, I don't like to leave a question unanswered on AskHarv, so I have been conducting experiments in my lab the past fortnight. I have been able to work out how to blow smoke rings, and it's not as difficult as you may think, once you know the trick.

Before you face your friends and attempt to impress them, you need to do a bit of preparation. You'll need:

• 1 elastic band
• 3 rolls of electrical tape
• 3.2 kms of copper wire
• 1 breathing apparatus (a regular rebreather would be fine)
• 2 18 ft tall steel pylons
• a lead shield, at least 19 inches thick
• 2 power sources capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts (a couple of small, modern power plants would do)

Simply relocate or construct the two power plants either side of your school, wrap the pylons in copper wire, fire up the power, and position yourself at a perfectly equidistant point between the two.

When you light up a cigarette at this location, you'll find the smoke is affected by the electromagnetic field to form all sorts of circular shapes, such as ovals, spheres, 4th-dimensional planes, and, of course, the ever-elusive rings you desire!

To impress your friends further, you'll find the trick also has a number of impressive side-effects, such as:

• Creating shimmering pockets of white light and unpredictable weather conditions
• Transporting objects and creatures from parallel dimensions to our world
• Completely disintegrating people's atoms in less than a nanosecond
• Opening unstable worm-holes, thus sending organic, sentient beings (well any that you haven't already disintegrated) careering randomly through space-time
  
• The smoke may also become self-aware and develop consciousness

A word of warning, though: you may find the electromagnets generate a lot of heat.

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