A dead issue

Q: I was just sitting around thinking about shagging corpses and it occurred to me there's a gap in my knowledge. What is the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromaniac? And while we're at it, what the hell is a Necromancer?!

A: Well, dear reader, I am in the privelleged position of having a friend who is all of the above, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this issue!

A necrophiliac is someone who is interested, or even obsessed, with corpses and death.

A necromaniac takes the next step and finds himself sexually attracted to dead bodies. You may find such a person hanging out in cemeteries, exhuming corpses, picking the maggots off it, and perhaps grinding a bit of inanimate skeletal bone.

Note that an early indication of necromania is an attraction to Gwynneth Paltrow.

And a necromancer is all of the above, but more of a gentleman. He will usually take the corpse out for dinner, maybe a chick-flick or a nice museum trip (apparently corpses love Madame Tussaud's!) before taking it home to a bed scattered with rose petals, scented candles and romantic music.

And pounding the shit out of that corpse till the twilight hours.

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Costume Tomfoolery

Q: What's that fetish called where the people dress up in costume and bang? Do you know anyone with this fetish?

A: Well, dear reader, the name of the fetish varies with the type of costume.

Here are a few examples:

Beastial-naughty:
Deriving enjoyment from wearing an animal costume that allows you to perform sexual acts without anyone knowing.

Asdyxiation:
Being almost addicted to wearing costumes that contain one or several phalluses.

Paedomasochism:
Being turned on by wearing a costume suggesting you like hurting babies.

And yes, dear reader, I unfortunately know people with every one of these fetishes!

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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Tied in knots

Q: IF I SAW A NICE TIE FOR 97 EURO BUT HAD NO MONEY.

I BORROWED 50 FROM YOU AND 50 FROM BROOKSIE AND BOUGHT THE TIE.

MY CHANGE IS 3 EURO.

SO I GAVE 1 EURO BACK TO YOU AND 1 EURO BACK TO BROOKSIE.

I NOW OWE YOU BOTH 49 EURO BUT ONLY HAVE 1 EURO LEFT FROM THE CHANGE. THATS 99 EURO.

WHERE DID THE 1 EURO GO ?


A: I wasn't sure about whether or not to answer this question, but I can tell by the use of CAPS, it's very important to you.

I'll leave the math to my erudite readers, as the calculations far too rudimentary for my advanced brain. You might as well challenge a rabbit to poop and shag.

My answer: If you're paying 98 Euro for a tie, nice or otherwise, you've got more money-management problems than losing a dollar in the transaction. There are very few ties worth that much money, enclosed picture excepted.

Unless it's a bowtie? Is the bow tie coming back into fashion!? We can only hope...

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Phua Soon Hacker?

Q: My son just called me in an insane panic and told me about this Facebook Hacker called Phua Soon Hock! I'm utterly terrified, because I found the AUTOMATION-LOG user on my list, just like my son said I would!

Is my Facebook account compromised, and does this Phua Soon Hock guy now have access to my personal details, credit card information and my new washer dryer with the fuzzy logic feature?

Concerned!


A: There is nothing to worry about, dear reader. I have heard about this so-called Facebook Hacker and I assure you it's a complete hoax.

That's because I know the REAL Phua Soon Hock and he's a lovely guy with a PHD in biblical journalism and jet engine propulsion. He's a genius before his time, but he's no computer hacker.

Last I checked Phua Soon Hock was still using his mouse upside down, which of course results in the cursor going in exactly the wrong direction. He referred to the keyboard as a typewriter and the monitor as a television. And one time, he told me he preferred a wired mouse, because it was chained to the PC, so couldn't get into his fridge at night and eat all his cheese!

I haven't seen him for a couple of years, but if he's hacking Facebook, I'll run naked through silicone valley!

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