Construction Site Snub

Q: Do blue-collar workmen still harrass attractive young ladies with wolf-whistles and lewd comments, or has political correctness found its way into the construction site too?

The reason I ask is that I passed one the other day and... not a sound! I could hear crickets chirping!


A: Yes, they most certainly do! The construction site is the last place on Earth that political correctness is likely to surface.

Believe it or not, these guys spend hours training in front of the mirror at home to achieve their signature wolf-whistle. In fact, eventhough the public isn't usually privvy to it, the construction industry actually carries out its own bi-annual wolf-whistling olympics!

The current event roster includes:

• "Fright-jump", where competitors wolf-whistle at skittish women to see how high they can make them jump in fear. The current record is 139.2cm, during which the skittish woman was actually badly injured, causing controversy within the construction industry ranks.
  


• "Smash-athalon", where contestants attempt to wolf-whistle at just the right frequency and volume to shatter the car windows, eyeglasses and jewelry of passers-by.



• "Wrong-frump", where competitors are presented with a series of women of varying degrees of attractiveness and challenged to decide whether or not to perform a wolf-whistle. If they choose unwisely, it's called the "wrong-frump" and the erroneous competitor will be beaten within an inch of his life by the others.

But I digress. The point is that, while I'd like to tell you that the silence you experienced was simply due to the workers' chapped lips restricting their ability to whistle, the fact is that there is really nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop any self-respecting construction worker from issuing a loud, demeaning whistle at pretty much any half-decent looking female that walks by.

I'd consult your bathroom mirror before investigating any further.

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Penile Denial

Q: Recently I discovered a pimple on my penis. I decided to get a second opinion and opted for a friend to inspect my meat mallett and give me his expert advice. His diagnosis was that it was just a pimple and immediately declared my trouser snake "as clean as a whistle".

If its a pimple, how would it appear in that region? Could it be anything else?

A: I certainly don't want to worry you unneccesarily, dear reader. But yes, it could well be something much worse than a harmless pimple.

Let's investigate the odds that you really could have a pimple on your penis. I've never had one myself and never heard anyone complain about one. But that's hardly science, is it?

To get a better idea, I rang a sweaty, obese, lard-eating, vegetable-adverse and uncircumcised friend of mine named "Beefy". This guy has had pimples on every visible surface of his body, and, I aways assumed, even the (mercifully) non-visible spots. He verified that he has had pimples almost everywhere conceivable, including his nipple, under his fingernails and even his eyeball. Apparently the latter was painful.

He has, however, never had a pimple on his penis.

So despite the comforting, albeit slightly homo-erotic, assertion of your presumably non-medically-trained friend, you should probably get yourself to a speciallist medical professional.

Because it's very likely you have herpes.

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The Butterfly Suspect

Q: How the hell can a butterfly flapping it's wings start a hurricane???!

A: Even though I always liked the theory of the butterfly effect as it pertains to chaos theory and theoretical time travel, the reality of it appeared to be much less enthralling.

I was fortunate enough to spend several years in Brazil, and spent most of my time with a tribe of sweaty, caniballistic descendants of the Tupinambá tribe, conducting experiments to investigate Lorenz's famous theory. We captured several million butterflies over the course of several years and couldn't even get one to so much as move a blade of grass, or scare an old lady on her death-bed, let alone disturb weather patterns in a distant country. It's actually amazing how lame and powerless butterflies are!

Truth be told, all we did was prove that the odds of a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a Tornado in Texas are several quadrillions to one.

Time went by, but I never quite forgot about the butterfly effect. One morning earlier this year I awoke in a cold sweat from a dream which depicted giant butterflies attacking tribal villagers with chainsaws and I realised I had to resolve the issue.

I tracked down Lorenz, and, completely unannounced, visited him in his small, but well-guarded, Swiss chalet. When he opened the door, I asked almost exactly the question you dropped into my inbox, dear reader, with a couple of extra expletives added in for dramatic effect.

Lorenz studied me for a long time, scratching his stupid spotted nose with one hand and patting his shiny bald forehead with the other. Then he said, "fine", dragged me inside by my lapels, grabbed a butterfly from his in-house enclosure and took me to his time-travel room.

We went back to the dawn of time. Lorenz exited the time machine, and before I could even start to think about the wonderous prehistoric world before me, he let the butterfly go, stepped back inside and took us both back to 2009.

Well you could knock me over with a feather (that does not relate to the theory!). The recalcitrant twatt had caused the current global economic cirsis. Yes, that's right, before we got into that confounded time machine, everyone was happy and rich, and humanity had finally found a perfect harmony with nature.

And everyone was getting laid.

Thanks very much, Lorenz! Must be a real joy to be right!

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Cockamamie Q&A

Q: The age old question, does penis size matter?

A: How is this an age-old question if I've never been asked it before?

To be honest, I'm not sure if you asked it correctly... Does penis size matter to who? To Abraham Lincoln? I doubt he's lost any sleep over your penis size, dear reader. To God? Seriously, does anything you do matter to God? If it did, he surely would have struck you down with lightning or swatted you to meaty pulp with his massive God hand by now.

If you're asking if penis size matters to WOMEN, well... let me answer that with another question: Would it matter to a woman if you had NO penis?

School's out.

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Close Encounters of the Wrong Kind

Q: Does extra terrestrial life exist ? Have you had any encounters ? is it possible for humans to breed with ET's ?


A: This is a bit of a sensitive question. I've been instructed not to talk about this issue by so many governemnts that I've completely lost count!

But let me just say this... Yes, humans can breed with aliens... and they like to spoon.

Screw you United Nations!

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Pogo Challenge

Q: I have a question about your response to the Bruce Springsteen question.

What a coincidence he was named "Pogo" and then happened to have "an unfortunate accident which involved a juicy t-bone steak, a malicious neighbourhood bully, and a lawmower..."

The whole thing smacks of complete bulls**t to me.

A: First of all, I have to point out that, gramatically, your messge contains no question. Notice the absence of a question mark?

However, since I get your meaning and I suspect you're not the first to question my credibility, I decided to respond.

Pogo was very young when the accident occurred... in fact he was part of a large litter and had not yet been named. When he had his accident, his owners were inspired to name him Pogo and keep him instead of selling him off with the rest of the litter.

Geddittt!?

I posted a photo of Pogo... there was hardly any doubt.

Now, I know it's my job to answer questions, but let me ask one for a change: how was it you were brought up so badly, you felt it was appropriate to make fun of a poor deformed, useless puppy, whose only pleasure in life is popping bubble-wrap three bubbles at a time, and exploring the texture of his disgusting scarred testicles with his tongue?

Are you an insane sadist? I'm curious... Would you also laugh at a mobility disabled person, or someone who is height challenged?

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Body Issues

Q: With the advent of modern medicine and a rather strange need to nurture the weak and disabled, humankind has effectively dashed any evolutionary hopes of improving the species.

What changes would you make to the current model if you had the opportunity?


A: While many people marvel at the elegance and intricacy of the human body, I'm not so easily impressed.

In my opinion, the human body is a flawed, over-complex and highly redundant machine that is not only unworthy of marvel, but completely worthy of contempt.

Hence, I'm well prepared for your question, dear reader, as I've often had pause to contemplate how the human body might be improved, revamped or even totally redesigned.

Allow me to point out a few ridiculous design flaws and let you decide for yourself.

1. Breathing. So we breathe oxygen into our respiratory system, which then passes it into our blood stream, which then delivers it to our brain? Am I nuts, or would a couple of inflatable bags on the side of the head would cut out the middle-man here?

2. The heart. Assuming you're going to keep the pointless vascular system because you're not imaginative enough to find a way to distribute energy to the limbs without it, then come on! At least toughen the heart up a bit! It's a pathetic little piece of pulsing meat right now, just waiting to fail, get clotted or be crushed and destroyed.

3. Nervous system. Oh, well done, human body, let's make a warning system that completely distracts and disables the subject it's trying to warn. Wow, genius, really! [slow, ironic clap]

4. All other organs. Come on, surely there's a better way than just lumping a bunch of specialist substance processors together inside a chest cavity and then closing it up? How about an organ that can process calcium AND complex sugars, hmm!? And I don't want to be too critical, but most organs are downright ugly... how about a little aesthetic consideration?

Oh yeah, and while I can't say it's entirely legal, I have been doing a little human experimentation in my lab. And without giving away too much detail, yes, I have managed to grow an entire human being using cloning technology.

He is completely normal in every way, including strikingly attractive and perfectly symmetrical features -- but this guy has an upgraded digestive system, so he will never need to shit. Ever.

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Wouldn't you know-et, again the poet wroet!

Q: What do you think of THIS poem?

Want a fat Mac,
Crack?
Lickety splat,
Ping pong hack,
Roger McCor...
Mack!
@


A: I spent three days sobbing hysterically trying to digest the enormity of the message behind this one, and then another three vomitting into my lap trying to reconcile the implications.

Never has a thing of such lyrical beauty, majesty or wisdom ever graced the written word. It encompasses the enormity of the universe, while also acknowledging the tiny ant-like problems of the insignificant human individual.

It is everything, and it is simultaneously nothing. And that's the point.

You've changed my life, AskHarv poet.. again!

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